Before you go out on that Adventure check what's in the stars according to Trent Truthsayer. Find your sign or that of each of your characters.

Súrë (wind)
(January 20-February 18)
Shire Calendar
29 Afteryule
28 Solmath
Stewards' Reckoning
29 Narvinyë
28 Nénimë

This is a good time to review your financial status. While you are at it, reviewing your friends’ financial status is a good idea too. Then go review your local shopkeepers status. If anyone has a better status than you…kill them! Its not fair damn it! You deserve to have that money. Why has the universe decided that you should be a poor, miserable slob for the rest of your life? Just run though town square screaming, “Gimme it! It’s mine! Gimme that! It’s mine!” Once you get out of jail, the cosmos says that Mundo is in your conjoined house. Go find a not-too-ugly Mundo and conjoin with them.

Lingwë (fish)
(February 19-March 20)
Shire Calendar
29 Solmath
28 Rethe
Stewards' Reckoning
29 Nénimë
28 Súlimë

Grow a spine you shivering coward! Battle is glorious. Pissing your trousers isn’t. Even the most distant stars saw you running like a little Nellie from a damn newbie! News Flash! There is life east of Bree. Get your head out of your ass and go kick some. But not today. Today is bad. The stars really had some unpleasant things to say about your chances for survival today. You know, come to think of it, Bree isn’t such a bad place after all. Maybe you should plan to stay in today and tomorrow. Yeah, that’s a good idea I think. I mean really. How much fun is it to have someone rip off your head, drain your corpse and use the flesh as a scarecrow?

Istima (wise)
(March 21-April 19)
Shire Calendar
29 Rethe
28 Astron
Stewards' Reckoning
29 Súlimë
27 Víressë

Get in touch with your inner child today.

HEY! I said your INNER child. That’s really sick man! The stars suggest that you get your hand out of that kid’s pants.

Mundo (ox)
(April 20-May 20)
Shire Calendar
29 Astron
30 Thrimidge
Stewards' Reckoning
28 Víressë
29 Lótessë
Epic tales have been told of brave warriors who valiantly gave their lives in battle. Their deeds live on long after their bodies have departed this world. SCREW THAT! The middle of the road is a damn fine place to be. Walking the middle of the road gives you better than 50:50 odds of not getting your ass impaled on a big pointed stick. The relative alignment of the stars in relation to the moon suggests that bravery is highly overrated for you. Let others mock you. You can revel in their untimely ends soon enough. Also, yellow is a good color on you.
Onóna (twin)
(May 21-June 20)
Shire Calendar
30 Thrimidge
30 Forelithe
Stewards' Reckoning
29 Lótessë
29 Nárië

As a child, you felt out of touch with those around you. Perhaps you secretly wondered if you were born of noble lineage but by some twist of fate, you were left to be raised by strangers. Well, let me put those fears to rest. You are no one, a nobody, a peon. But hey, don’t let that get you down. We can’t all be royalty. Some of us are born to be servants and followers. If this news troubles you, then you obviously aren’t too “in touch” with the cosmos. Trying to move above your place in the world is going to yield messy results. Bloody, pulpy icky messy relults.

Nanvanta (backwards walk)
(June 21-July 22)
Shire Calendar
1 Lithe
2 Wedmath
Stewards' Reckoning
30 Nárië
3 Urimë
A duality plagues you. You feel both the light of Aman and the draw of the Red-Eye. This dichotomy will cause serious troubles in the coming days. As tempting as it may be to blind the irritating newbie in front of the PPI and then give him/her a little backstab, try to resist the pull. Or, on the flip side, perhaps some charming little soft-skin found a lucky trinket and in a moment of weakness, you ponder letting him/her keep it. RESIST! Crush that soft little skull and revel in your newly acquired treasure. The message here is be true to your nature, whether saint or sinner, whether a beauty or a bitch!
(July 23-August 22)
Shire Calendar
3 Wedmath
2 Halimath
Stewards' Reckoning
4 Urimë
3 Yavannië

Explosive change lies in your future. If you heeded the warning of the stars and got that horrible farting problem under control, then you will find yourself the object of untamed desire. Fortune will land at your feet. Your enemies will scatter before you. You will be both loved or feared by all. Inscrutable power is yours for the taking.

If you did NOT heed the cosmos, you will be the victim of your own ass-made fireball. Really, its best to listen to the cosmos.

Curuni (witch of the good magic)
(August 23-September 22)

Shire Calendar
3 Halimath
2 Winterfilth
Stewards' Reckoning
4 Yavannië
2 Narquelië
The archer and the lion have come into alignment in your dominant house. This is not a good sign for you. The archer represents luck but is in reverse conjunction, meaning bad luck for you in the near future. The lion is in reverse alignment with the archer, making a positive alignment with your minor sign. This implies an unwanted meeting. As far as I can tell, if the stars are correct, you are going to get… violated… in a rather unpleasant place, either by someone wearing an animal skin or by an actual animal. See, this is the problem with reading the stars. They can be so effing vague. I mean, how hard it is to spell out, ‘You are going to get it up the butt from a four-legged creature.’ But nooooooo, I have to get messages like ‘Meeting of the back opening of the witch and the front protuberance of the lion with the archer watching’. What the hell do you think that means?
Heren (order)
(September 23-October 22)
Shire Calendar
3 Winterfilth
2 Blotmath
Stewards' Reckoning
3 Narquelië
2 Hísimë

Your artistic nature is in full force for the next several weeks.
Translation: You are a flake and have a hard time dealing with reality!
Here are a few revelations for you:
1. Your ass is sooooo much bigger than you think it is.
2. Yes, people do notice that smell.
3. No, those warts in your nether regions are not normal.
Spending too much time in this little imaginary world that you have cooked up will have disastrous results when reality comes crashing down around your head.

Ohta (war)
(October 23-November 21)
Shire Calendar
3 Blotmath
1 Foreyule
Stewards' Reckoning
3 Hísimë
1 Ringarë
Things seem fragmented for you now. Life seems . . .somehow . . . . lagged.  . . . .When this . . . . irritating . . . . lag occurs, . . . . . . it . . . . might . . . . . . . . . . . . be . . . . . . . .wise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . to . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . go . . . . . . . . . . . . . . watch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .television.
Pilin (arrow)
(November 22-December 21)
Shire Calendar
2 Foreyule
1 Yule
Stewards' Reckoning
2 Ringarë
(2 days before 1 Narvinyë)

While you are optimistic and enthusiastic, you have a tendency to rely on luck. This is fortunate as you have no skills or talent what-so-ever. It doesn’t help that you won’t lay off the pipe weed either. Here is what the planets foretell for you: So there you are, stoned, wandering up to Weathertop. You have stumbled up there because you are too lost for words. Suddenly, there is a creature before you with a sharp, shiny sword pointed in your direction. You bust out laughing. You can’t think of anything funnier than death staring you in the face. (Did I mention you were stoned?) Suddenly, an attack of the munchies! You ignore the enemy before you and start flailing your arms around, trying to reach your backpack. This throws you off balance. You stumble forward towards the pointy metal object aimed at your chest. This confuses your enemy terribly. There you are, laughing uncontrollably, groping for your back, running forward, trying not to lose your balance and fall on your face. Your enemy takes a side-step, avoiding your clumsy form by mere inches. You then fall, face first, down the height of Weathertop. Thick bushes at the bottom break your fall and hide you from the vision of your enemy who figures the fall killed you. The next day, when you wake up, you have a snack from your backpack, which somehow ended up wrapped around your hips, and wander back home.

Nyéni (goat)
(December 22-January 19)
Shire Calendar
2 Yule
28 Afteryule
Stewards' Reckoning
(1 day before Narvinyë)
28 Narvinyë

Usually I impart the will of the cosmos to you. But today let me share with you some excellent advice from the gods to mere mortals.

Elithrandir prays to Darkangel ‘think more pray less :)’

Can’t beat that advice. That’s your horoscope.

This column is updated Monthly. Send your mail to  Trent Truthsayer.

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